Maybe they have pet mites?

This comes from a friend of mine who is an elementary teacher. The student is in grade 2.
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The class and I were reading a book about a bear going to look for honey. Naturally, we started talking about bees when one student put up his hand and said...

Student: Did you know that there is a queen bee?

Me: Yes I do. They are pretty big.

Student: Ya I know. If I were a bee I would be the king bee and my cat would be the queen.

Me: There is no king bee, just a queen.

Student: Do bees have pets?

Me: No, they can't because they are only insects and insects don't have pets

Student: *laughs out loud*

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Also, apparently this student looks (and acts) like the kid from UP. In my mind, this makes it 10x more hilarious.

As if I needed another reason to not teach elementary school...

This one is from a friend of one my colleagues. (This is paraphrased as I wasn't there and the details were relayed to me via text message)

Student: [directed at another student] "You're a retard!"
Teacher: "Do you know what that means?"
Student: "Yes. It's when two women love each other."

A great answer to a common question

From my dept. head:

"Sir, are we doing anything today?"

"Absolutely nothing. You are going to sit at your desks with your heads down and you will meditate the entire period."

Sarcasm is alive and well in our department!

Highlight of the semester

It is now one week until first semester final exams and that means fetal pig dissection time for my grade 11 biology students. This involves a lot of paper towel, soap, hand sanitizer and always leads to some interesting tidbits: (this will be updated over the next few days i'm sure)


1. Pig names
Babe (i usually have at least two per class)
Spartacus
Skinny
Dirty Infidel Animal (i've been told this is a tentative name...from an all islamic group in my Dept. Head's class)
ManBearPig
Jimmy
Ted
Jaqueline
Jimmy Page
Iggy the Piggy
Bertha
Sally
Hamlet
Bonquiqui
Bacon Deluxe

2. Snippets of conversation

"Pig everywhere I turn."

"Sir, I think my pig only has one ball."

Student:"Can I keep my pig's eyes?"
Me: "No and why would you want them?"
Student: "I wanted to pickle them and give them to a friend. He has a thing for eyes."

Hyperglycemia

The following little nugget was provided to me by one of my colleagues.

A few days ago one of his period 4 students proclaimed that he had drank the equivalent of 26 cans of coke. A quick calculation by my colleague: this kid had consumed over 1 kg of sugar.

I'm pretty sure you can hear him developing diabetes.

Vague, Ambiguous Titles

This gem is from my department head.

During lunch a few of his grade 9 and 12 students were in his classroom eating their lunch and, presumably, doing some school work. At one point, the grade 12 students were discussing the evolution themed video they had just watched in Biology class...

Teacher: "If you liked that video, you're going to LOVE this next one."

At this point he held up the DVD case for the NOVA documentary "Becoming Human"

One of his grade 9 students, who had evidently been eavesdropping on the conversation, chimed in: "What happens in it?"